In 1982, when I was 30 years old, my mother, Doris, expressed concern that I might never marry or have a baby. Recently, I found the letter I wrote in response:

May 9, 1982

“Precious memories, how they linger . . . ”

Dear Doris,

I am feeling deeply grateful for the privilege of being your daughter. And it is not only the coming of Mother’s Day that makes me feel this way. Every day, every day I am conscious of moving in the light of the upbringing you have given me, my brothers, and my sisters. Sometimes while working or talking to friends, I feel “Doris” come down on me and I just can’t help myself from talking, preaching, teaching just like you.

My life has been dedicated with almost no conscious effort on my part to bringing people at least to the level of awareness, insight, courage, and fight back I have gained from my mother. I am a nurturer just like you. Although I may never bear children of my own, my total being is to be mother—to raise up people with whom I come in contact—whether they be friend, boss, employee, or stranger. I don’t know any other way to be. My job brings me in contact with many frightened and confused people and I detect in many of them the basis of their problem is that they have never been raised up. ‘Up’, I say, because every one of them has potential to rise to a fullness of being that is love.

I want you to know that I have given careful consideration to my life as a woman. At 30 years old I must make some decisions about whether or not to bear a child. I don’t want to look at other women’s children with longing and regret. But while I don’t say never to having children, I choose not to do anything to have them. And I really don’t feel like I want to or need to bear a child.

As far as husbands go, I am not pining to be married. I am not praying for a husband to fulfill my life. I am fulfilling my life now. Should I attract a soul mate, I will be very happy. I will also be very happy now.

What about loneliness and old age? I have considered that and am planning for that time. First of all, a husband and children are no guarantee you will have their companionship all your life. Basically, I believe old people are old young people. That if a person is lonely old or crabby old, it is because they were lonely young, crabby young and these characteristics are just more evidenced when a person grows older.

So first I deal as much as possible with my feelings as a young woman. I am teaching myself to be love now. I nurture friendships with people who are younger, my peers, and those older than me now. I have close friends who are your beautiful age and I really enjoy their companionship and they enjoy mine. I have decided to take an interest in Peter’s children [my second oldest brother] since they live nearby as well as a few of my friends’ children and be open so they will be interested in me. My plan is to be a beautiful, fascinating senior citizen, and I also plan to be needed. So you don’t have to worry about me, Doris. I know you want me to be happy and I love to give you what you want.

You are a wonderful woman
a wonderful mother
a wonderful worker
and probably a lot of other wonderful things I don’t know about.

I love you and thank God for your being and for mine.

Love, Deborah