In 1982, when I was 30 years old, my mother, Doris, expressed concern that I might never marry or have a baby. Recently, I found the letter I wrote in response:
May 9, 1982
“Precious memories, how they linger . . . ”
Dear Doris,
I am feeling deeply grateful for the privilege of being your daughter. And it is not only the coming of Mother’s Day that makes me feel this way. Every day, every day I am conscious of moving in the light of the upbringing you have given me, my brothers, and my sisters. Sometimes while working or talking to friends, I feel “Doris” come down on me and I just can’t help myself from talking, preaching, teaching just like you.
My life has been dedicated with almost no conscious effort on my part to bringing people at least to the level of awareness, insight, courage, and fight back I have gained from my mother. I am a nurturer just like you. Although I may never bear children of my own, my total being is to be mother—to raise up people with whom I come in contact—whether they be friend, boss, employee, or stranger. I don’t know any other way to be. My job brings me in contact with many frightened and confused people and I detect in many of them the basis of their problem is that they have never been raised up. ‘Up’, I say, because every one of them has potential to rise to a fullness of being that is love.
I want you to know that I have given careful consideration to my life as a woman. At 30 years old I must make some decisions about whether or not to bear a child. I don’t want to look at other women’s children with longing and regret. But while I don’t say never to having children, I choose not to do anything to have them. And I really don’t feel like I want to or need to bear a child.
As far as husbands go, I am not pining to be married. I am not praying for a husband to fulfill my life. I am fulfilling my life now. Should I attract a soul mate, I will be very happy. I will also be very happy now.
What about loneliness and old age? I have considered that and am planning for that time. First of all, a husband and children are no guarantee you will have their companionship all your life. Basically, I believe old people are old young people. That if a person is lonely old or crabby old, it is because they were lonely young, crabby young and these characteristics are just more evidenced when a person grows older.
So first I deal as much as possible with my feelings as a young woman. I am teaching myself to be love now. I nurture friendships with people who are younger, my peers, and those older than me now. I have close friends who are your beautiful age and I really enjoy their companionship and they enjoy mine. I have decided to take an interest in Peter’s children [my second oldest brother] since they live nearby as well as a few of my friends’ children and be open so they will be interested in me. My plan is to be a beautiful, fascinating senior citizen, and I also plan to be needed. So you don’t have to worry about me, Doris. I know you want me to be happy and I love to give you what you want.
You are a wonderful woman
a wonderful mother
a wonderful worker
and probably a lot of other wonderful things I don’t know about.
I love you and thank God for your being and for mine.
Love, Deborah
Deborah! I WISH I could have spoken so sensibly and clearly to my mother. And, I like your affirmation, “I will also be very happy now.” BRAVO.
deborah, you don’t mind being needed? you are like a treasure box, an onion with all the layers except they are onion and gold and at the same time a huge heart of air and fire and water and earth and spirit. you are such a blessing to me. and i can’t speak for the world, but i’m guessing there are others whose lives you bless whether you know it or not.
Greetings Deborah,
You affirm and confirm what it means to model and walk in joy at how the divine guides us. You are truly a teacher and I am so blessed to be learning as you flap your wings. Thank the God in you and your Mother in you.
Naikyemi
Simple.
Beautiful…
Deb,yes I remember those days when she received those words from you in between celebration cards, like Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving and/or Christmas. She would always keep the envelope also because of your unique artwork by asking someone for scotch tape. She would cry and refused to let me know why she was sheading tears. It was always well known to not to ask mommy any future questions afer she acknowledge to us that they card was from you or Inez! Yes, your expression through your penmanship and choice of sincered words brought enhanced joy to mommy’s eyes. Thanks for giving her the flowers then!
My mouth fell open…it’s still hard to close it.
Deborah, what you wrote above… Wowee! I wish at 30, or even later, when I EXPLODED at my mom, verbally, I think I was 36, for… well, never mind what for…but I wish I had opted to pen such an eloquent letter to her versus exhibiting raw emotion. I don’t do raw emotion well. I don’t know or like myself in that mode. And it was all for naught. She didn’t process one thing I said–she only sought an apology. Of which I gave.
But I digress, back to you…@ 30, that’s the 1st Saturn Return, and that’s when you wrote this. I’m so deeply impressed. I know some 30 year olds right now that couldn’t articulate this well in any context–written or voiced.
We live in a world that believes that being
single is something that needs to be desperately cured–Pronto! You rested that notion, here. Young people gotta embrace being more emotionally independent and know that you give love not to ‘get’ love but to become Love.
An acquaintance, Alexyss K. Tylor (a Sag), has a you tube video titled “Mama-Daughter”, that just came to mind. Now, she’s profane and fiery, but she speaks to the “mother-daughter” or even “older woman–younger woman” phenomenon very passionately. Check it out, if you like.
Also came to mind, that scene in the movie “Waiting to Exhale” where Whitney Houston’s (Savannah) character is explaining to her mom over the phone how she should notice the +s in her life versus only noticing what she [the mother] deemed as minuses. Very moving scene/ dialogue; well, it was to me.
Not only with mother-daughter or older lady/younger lady relationships, “relating” period, in my observations, how most females treat one another is of caustic curious note. I used to chalk it up to mere “common cattiness,” now I think it’s much more than that–more chemical. And as we know “Emotions are Chemically Addictive.”
In biology class we were taught that females are “acidic” & males are “alkaline,” and how dis-ease thrives in an acidic constitution. Somehow, I wonder if it’s [the cat factor] more related to chemistry vs. socialization? Perhaps it’s all cumulative? #justathought I’m an air sign, with a stell of air in my chart–all I do is think. Smiles…
I’ll close now…cause once I put on the mad-scientist cap, I can speculate for eons.
Again, thanks for allowing us in, Ms. S. ;-)